ETIGTBAR

I'm so frustrating with today that i don't know how to start this post. I can't think of anything brilliant or charming because today is everything short of brilliant and charming.

So my best friend jumped on a plane last night and headed back to that nameless city...i think it was at that moment where things started not falling into place. This morning i woke up with every intention to live but the combination of defrosting (some know what I'm talking about), cramping, waking up with no one in my house, and normal fatigue of the past three days I've found myself extra sensitive to well....Everything.

Seeing that i had the most amazing weekend with the most amazing woman, art, wine, food, conversation, man, walk, and book everything thereafter could never compare. I will share parts of those three days later but for now i think it is more healthy for me to release this anger that today has brought.

Two phone conversations into the day Nae and I both realize things just don't seem right. The girl at Kinko's regarded our book as just another piece of paper, I don't know what to do with myself and all my bodily frustrations, her car won't start in the middle of B-field, I'm missing everyone who puts a smile on my face, someone else has cancer (this comes into play later), and did i mention she is in the boondocks and I'm eating away at my Nilla Wafers (no relation). She does however get our book copied, laminated, binded, and ready! Which is really exciting but at this point outside influences are overshadowing our proudest moment.

While she waits for a strong brave man to help her with her car battery she proceeds to tell me about cousin-someone-or-other who at the age of 23 has cervical cancer. Okay- no biggie?....NO....now Nae was delicate to call cousin-someone-or-other and tell them "Everything is Going to Be All Right" (with that tone of voice that resymbols the crazy old lady in the front row of church that looks at things with rose-colored glasses). And so my best friend, the amazing woman that she is, she proceeded to not let the rose-colored people down and have the "Everything....All Right" conversation to make them happy and move on. But as sensitive as I am today i could not let that go. How did we get to a point where the words in some passing conversation is going to change anything? All it shows is that someone else is now aware that you will be going through this ordeal and they will be thinking of you and your family. It also says 'I can't do a damn thing for you except tell you what you want to hear just so you don't think your falling apart'. After four surgery's (one of which was on my mom's birthday), ten-something procedures (the latest one being last week), twenty-something internal and external scares (I'm not talking about emotional scares), a hand-full of funerals, and falling apart myself I am beyond the phrase "Everything is Going to be All Right" (ETIGTBAR).

Politically Correct Post Cancer Diagnosis Conversation is as follows:

Doctor: You have Stage (enter 1-4) Cancer called (enter anything that ends with 'ios' or 'a')

Jane option one: Okay
Jane option two: What? Where? How? What Happens now? and how to you spell that?

Doctor: See you in (how ever busy they are) weeks for (procedure something-or-other)

Jane Goes Home! This is where her mom's aunt's cousin's brother's dad gets envovled and tries to find someone who will tell Jane ETIGTBAR because God know he doesn't know what he is talking about when it comes to Cancer. So at this point all of the above knows that part of Jane's body is 'bad' - they may even use the word 'sick'. Because you know i start snezzing everytime i get a new scar from the sun! OMG

Jane encounters Me.
Jane: I don't know what's going on! Poor me! This isn't fair! BOO WOO! (tear tear) This is where if i said ETIGTBAR she would wipe her nose with a few sniffles and give me a hug and after a few surface conversations about life we go our seperate ways.

Sorry to let you down!

Me: Oh Honey! You are going to have to Suck-it-up! If you cry like this they will never be ale to draw blood or give you an IV without pricking you several times. You are not a Victim you are just a normal person who got cancer before everyone else you know. You are not too young! You just decided to open your legs and Prince Charming gave you a virus. You are not going to die tomorrow! First you are going to have your calender full of appointments, spend days of your life in waiting rooms, repeat your health history to every new White-Coat so much so that you can repeat it in your sleep, you will develop a new sense of humor (maybe a little morbid but healthy), your new best friends will be nurses, you will become mentally overwhelmed with information - that is if you decide to learn about your Cancer before your Cancer learns about you. You will be emotionally different - you will learn to deal with some things on your own and consult with only those who know what they are talking about. You will pray different, look at your body different, tolerate people different, not take advantage of small pleasures in life, appreciate a new type of doctor and not what you were use to as a child. You will find underlying new strength after every procedure, a new tear after every check-up, and a sense of humility after every birthday. You will realize your body does not belong to you and your body owes absolutely nothing to you. You will rise above and fall below on any given day and when your best friend comes to visit you it is only then where you will realize that if any thing or any person is going to make it 'All Right'... it is you two together!