Removing Victim-Dust

I’m sure there are several ways that people deal with chronic health issues; some play victim, some use it to excuses actions or attitude, some continue living recklessly without care, some make it worst, some turn into addicts, some change their lifestyle completely, and I’m sure there are other categories, as well as people who fall into more than one category.


There have been days where I feel like a complete victim and feel like no matter what I do these health problems are just the cards I was dealt (for the record - I hate when people say that). There have been days I fall asleep to my day-dreams nightmares of extreme 'what if's' and 'worst case scenario’s'. Some days I wake up just to realize my physical body can't stand up and I negotiate my day around what my body can handle. Then I forgive my faults, apologize to my soul for toxic thinking, turn back to the universe, shake the victim-dust off my knees and try again. I don't and will not categorize my outlook on life/health by my bad days, but rather where my soul spends most of it's time; in hope and perseverance in myself and thankfulness for the help and care from other people. I have to 'work' harder than most people to keep a healthy body and I am willing to take that challenge (yes, I have a choice).


I am determined to learn and put into action ways to not give in into this brokenness. Today my body was weak but I know not every day will be like today. Today I played tug-a-war; physical body against mind and soul. In the deepest part of my heart I am a fighter, I am a student who is learning who my disease opponent is, I am not a victim, and I have all the perseverance and determination to not fall mentally and emotionally. However, today I couldn't find the starting line. I wanted to take off running and do it without error but I never left the gate. I'm pissed. My colonoscopy last Thursday was going to be my starting line for a new diet and I didn't commit, however, I am making better choices so it's not a complete fail. I have severely cut down on dairy and bread, I am back on all prescriptions and supplements that were decreasing my flare-ups, and I am headed in the right direction. I am extremely proud of that, I just have to remind myself during days like today.


I have no idea if the results of the colonoscopy have anything to do with lupus. To be honest, I find myself not wanting to say the word 'lupus'. I am not really sure why this is. It could be several reasons 1. I am afraid saying it too much will result into falling victim (like calling for Beetle Juice) 2. Lupus is not black and white; therefore, it's hard for me to commit to the word when I don’t know the definition, or possibly 3. I want to prevent the symptoms and educate myself to live more healthy and not focus on titles and labels (that's the doctor's job not mine).


In May, when this journey started, I knew there was something incredibly wrong and of course my 'worst case scenario' was cancer. Nothing, that I am aware of, medically lead to that conclusion but it was want I knew. All my ailments (cancer or not) have been surgically removed. I was thinking ‘whatever I have they can cut it out or chemically remove it’. I was wrong - they can't cut this one. Doctors can give me the text-book version, results of blood work, and education but this disease is not leaving anytime soon. I accept the challenge (yes, I do have a choice).


Today is over: Me 0 - Opponent 1
Tomorrow morning the score board will restart and we will do it all over again. A chronic disease or a broken body didn't purposely choose me but I choose to not it take my mind and spirit.