Fake It 'Til You Make It

I'm tired of faking it. I have become a 'Jack' of all trades and a 'Queen' of none. I have blurred the lines between instinct and fear, hard-work and excuses, conviction and guilt, and the core of who I am with who other’s perceive me. I have replaced discipline with my own smoke a mirror routine. I have convinced myself that if I move quick enough from place to place that I will eventually catch up to my holy grail. Because of my flight-response to everything not perfect I can not be content in the present. It has been years since I lived in the 'now'. It's exhausting living is the 'what happened?' and the 'what else is out there?' at the same time.

So what does that all mean? Going forward I can't afford to continue the same tactics.

Facts:
My family is not willing able to be cheerleaders. I must be my own.
I can learn nothing by assuming only by hard work and discipline.
Confidence can not be given to me only developed by me.
My ideas, visions, and dreams are only fiction until they are matched with action.
They are only mistakes if I didn't learn from them AND if I do not repeat them.
Satisfaction must steam from my effort not other's responses.

“Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now -- look close at me so you will remember. Whatever you do, it will be you who do.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

I'm convinced that to move forward I must eliminate excuses by bringing them out of the shadows.

Excuses:
Emotionless and side-line parents.
Lack of direction from a life mentor.
Health issues
Depression
A series of trusted relationships broken by victimization and insult
People not fulfilling what I want/need from them.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson

I'm convinced that to move forward I must also eliminate my fears by bringing them out of the shadows.

Fears:
Being honest in relationships out of hurting their feelings
Being laughed at
Other’s not appreciating what I appreciate (lack of connection)
Cheating on every relationship
Never knowing what I was meant to do
Being all talk and no action.
My biggest and only achievement is getting my BA.
Losing my memory.
Over-thinking my way out of a good reality

Side Note: 
In my therapy session this morning I listed a few of the above in which my therapist who just a few weeks ago asked me why I bother coming to therapy as, from her perceptive, I seem to know what I need to do and have much self-confidence to get there. Today was a different tone, she looked at me raised her eye brows and said I suffer from ‘Giving a fuck; what other’s think and not living in the now”! Luckily it’s curable!

Inspired By:
Janae Avila
and
Jennifer Knapp