After Anger...

I think it officially hit me! As of 724pm today i just accepted the fact that i may never lead a normal year of my life without health problems (lack of a more blunt phrase). I couldn't even hold my first real job out of college 9 months without getting a procedure done. Nine flippin' months. I couldn't get away with not letting anyone know. I couldn't get away with not having to pay a doctor's co-pay for one year. I tried to go an entire year without taking a day off because of my health issues. It's not an option for me. It not that i choose to be weak. I no longer will pretend that i have control anymore over this issue. All last week and earlier today i was in the stage of emotion called 'anger'. The stages of my emotions regarding my health is for another blog. So as i dealt with my anger and frustration about juggling work, love, life, and procedures i didn't seem to care who thought i was being a bitch or who thought they knew what i was talking about. During my anger i had no filter between my brain and my mouth. I stopped caring about my job, any love that might exist, i was simply pissed off. Something changed tonight, nothing really happened, but i can tell you the air slowed down and i started to cry. It's true. It's what this body, this temple, this impure cavity of mine has become. I don't think I'm to the acceptance stage yet - i don't think i ever want to be there. But i do know I'm at a pivotal point where i need to choose a career that will be flexible to my health, i need to have income and insurance that will cover my needs, i need to have family/friends close at all times. It's true every person needs insurance, income, family, and friends - but Ive reached a point where i know that i know that i will need all of the above every single year without exception. It's hard to live free when your body is your our prison.