Letters of a Journey

Dear Yesterday, you were kind to me.

Dear Today, im ready, where would you like me to go?

Dear Tomorrow, I'll be there soon!

Photo: Downtown Portland Oregon

Replacement

If there are never two things alike can there ever really be a 'true' replacement?

We replace pain with food, drugs, drinks, and so on. We replace a relationship with one-night stands, a rebound, or a shellfish binge. We try to erase but we can never replace because the band-aid has nothing to do with the actual 'thing' that was lost.

What is the act of a true healthy replacement? Is is all emotional?

And if there is no such thing as a replacement in life why do we focus on the holes they leave versus the new page that is before us?

Thrill the World Chico, CA

Photos from downtown Chico this evening from Thrill the Wold.

Thrill the World Chico, CA

Couldn't get close-up shots of the dance but this is good enough!

At least i had some lovely zombies pose for me!

For Your Day

Today is not about clichés and routine but about love and commitment.
Today we are here not to catch the love-bug bouquet but to witness and support your journey.
Today we sing, dance, laugh, and toast no one else but the two of you.
This is the day we come as your supporters and offer our love to build you up.
Today will be referred to for years to come and during those times of remembrance I hope that you will evoke the way you feel at this moment.
The moment where nothing can disconnect your love.
No worldly want, no monetary value, no temporary fix, and no shellfish opinion.
Remember today where you know your commitment is your first priority.
Where your mission in life is to not only to feel loved but to give your love, unconditionally.
As humans we battle with the word ‘unconditionally’ but as a married partnership this is your task, together you will find the meaning and perfect it.
The moment where your life is an alliance, a team of two conquering God's will.
The rest of us will be the company you keep; to lean on and to reach out to for the only purpose of growing stronger.
As your biggest fans, our vow is to honor the path and direct you when the waves become you.
Today is the celebration of what you already feel inside,
Tomorrow and those there after is the voyage.
Every night I wish you a kiss of love and every morning a new day with the same two essentials;

Love and Commitment.

P.S. I know there will be no dancing at your wedding but it just sounded good. I feel like this is only an ounce of what i actually want to say but i thought it was a good start.

Removing Victim-Dust

I’m sure there are several ways that people deal with chronic health issues; some play victim, some use it to excuses actions or attitude, some continue living recklessly without care, some make it worst, some turn into addicts, some change their lifestyle completely, and I’m sure there are other categories, as well as people who fall into more than one category.


There have been days where I feel like a complete victim and feel like no matter what I do these health problems are just the cards I was dealt (for the record - I hate when people say that). There have been days I fall asleep to my day-dreams nightmares of extreme 'what if's' and 'worst case scenario’s'. Some days I wake up just to realize my physical body can't stand up and I negotiate my day around what my body can handle. Then I forgive my faults, apologize to my soul for toxic thinking, turn back to the universe, shake the victim-dust off my knees and try again. I don't and will not categorize my outlook on life/health by my bad days, but rather where my soul spends most of it's time; in hope and perseverance in myself and thankfulness for the help and care from other people. I have to 'work' harder than most people to keep a healthy body and I am willing to take that challenge (yes, I have a choice).


I am determined to learn and put into action ways to not give in into this brokenness. Today my body was weak but I know not every day will be like today. Today I played tug-a-war; physical body against mind and soul. In the deepest part of my heart I am a fighter, I am a student who is learning who my disease opponent is, I am not a victim, and I have all the perseverance and determination to not fall mentally and emotionally. However, today I couldn't find the starting line. I wanted to take off running and do it without error but I never left the gate. I'm pissed. My colonoscopy last Thursday was going to be my starting line for a new diet and I didn't commit, however, I am making better choices so it's not a complete fail. I have severely cut down on dairy and bread, I am back on all prescriptions and supplements that were decreasing my flare-ups, and I am headed in the right direction. I am extremely proud of that, I just have to remind myself during days like today.


I have no idea if the results of the colonoscopy have anything to do with lupus. To be honest, I find myself not wanting to say the word 'lupus'. I am not really sure why this is. It could be several reasons 1. I am afraid saying it too much will result into falling victim (like calling for Beetle Juice) 2. Lupus is not black and white; therefore, it's hard for me to commit to the word when I don’t know the definition, or possibly 3. I want to prevent the symptoms and educate myself to live more healthy and not focus on titles and labels (that's the doctor's job not mine).


In May, when this journey started, I knew there was something incredibly wrong and of course my 'worst case scenario' was cancer. Nothing, that I am aware of, medically lead to that conclusion but it was want I knew. All my ailments (cancer or not) have been surgically removed. I was thinking ‘whatever I have they can cut it out or chemically remove it’. I was wrong - they can't cut this one. Doctors can give me the text-book version, results of blood work, and education but this disease is not leaving anytime soon. I accept the challenge (yes, I do have a choice).


Today is over: Me 0 - Opponent 1
Tomorrow morning the score board will restart and we will do it all over again. A chronic disease or a broken body didn't purposely choose me but I choose to not it take my mind and spirit.

My List

This is my actual list.

I make a list because i don't remember much these days.

I make a list because it's the only way to organize my thoughts.

I crossed off three today. I'll take it.

I could have done more on a different day. But today I'll take three.

I negotiate with my list; What is realistic? Which ones are convenient? How long will it take? Which ones can wait?

My red needle is on E. The fuel light is on and i am bargaining. I wanted to take a shower - that eliminated 2-3 on the list.

I need to unpack and clean my home - another 4 maybe. But the sad thing is i know my laundry will still be there when i head to sleep tonight.

This list is my guideline. My slow accomplishments for the week.

I make a list because even with my best intentions i won't complete all of them.

But i try.

I Just Call You Mine - Martina McBride

I Just Call You Mine lyrics
Songwriters: Cates, Jess Clayton; Lacy, Ty; Matkosky, Dennis

I pinch myself sometimes to make sure
I'm not in a dream, that's how it seems
I close my eyes and breathe in the sweetest moments
I've ever known, it feels like home

And here I am, I wanna be your everything
There you are turning winter into spring

And everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing yeah, I just call you mine

I fall apart and just a word from you somehow seems to fix
Whatever's wrong, oh, you reach into the weakest moments
And remind me that I'm strong, you've gotta know
I'd be a fool not to see or even worse
To forget that you're more than I deserved

'Cause everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're a standing ovation after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine

Nothing makes sense when you're not here
As it my whole world disappears
Without you what's the point of anything?

'Cause everyone that sees you always wants to know you
And everyone that knows you always has a smile
You're the dream that I've been chasing after years of waiting
For a chance to fall and shine
Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine
Everyone calls you amazing, yeah, yeah, I just call you mine

She is Love

These days bring me to my knees. The moments when job or lack there of means nothing, money is as valuable as dirt, the past stays behind me, and the future is nothing to think about. These are the times where the world is circling around us but our eyes are focused into each others. Solid. Nothing can faze me; nothing can take away the mental image of her blowing kisses to me across the room.
A small procedure, a medical hiccup really, but to see her face when I wake up from it all is the sweetest gift. With a kiss on my forehead I lie back down into the clouds and rest until my strength returns. She is the reason I choose to fight harder and she is the same reason I choose to fall asleep in love.
She bears my pain, lifts my sorrows; she reminds me what battles I can fight and when to rest. At these times I am the weakest, I am naked, vulnerable, and secretly scared. My physical body is faint and I question the reasons why I'm here in the revolving door of medicine and disease and I question the reason why I must endure this discomfort. I question my passion and my efforts in this journey. I question if I have anything to show for it. I question my mind.
I don't question my heart. I don't question her heart. I am eternally grateful for her love, her compassion, and her soul. During these times of defenselessness she is my rock, my voice when I can't talk, my strength when I can't move, my shelter for rest. During these times of vulnerability she is my shield.
If for no other reason I fight and persevere, it is only to give her an ounce of what she has given me.
She is my love.

Shifting Your Scale

Balance or lack of is the result of choices that direct our life. We choose to nibble or indulge, take or give, abuse or praise. We choose our demeanor, perspective, and attitude regardless of our emotions and wounds. We choose to blame or take responsibility, talk or think first, we choose out of logic or heart and in all cases we shift the balance of our lives.

To comment to one task inevitably declines the maturity of another task but this is the sacrifice we make. The sacrifice to pursue one’s happiness and live up to one’s desire. We sacrifice nights out for homework, we sacrifice foods we love to be healthy, our family for our careers (in some cases), relationships for relationships, we sacrifice our pride to become a better person, and we sacrifice people we miss so that they may also pursue happiness.

It's really not rocket science! You put a load of crap on one side of the scale and the other one sits in mid air and collects dust. Then five years later you wonder why cobwebs and ghost are all over the vision of what you wanted in life. Once you realize it's too much work to unload the crap off the scale - you settle! Then there are those that take on the task of reallocating their life, inevitability shifting what they know and what people know them as into the past.

There is great fulfillment and flexibility with a balanced life. If both sides of your scale (let's say work and family) are at a healthy balance it is possible to take from one side to add to the other in times of need (or a promotion). If the scale is at an unhealthy balance you will have no resources to shift resulting is less than fulfilling energy. My basic metaphor is vague but true nonetheless. I challenge you to replace 'work' and 'family' with any two elements of your life, as I am doing, and sit back as an outsider to evaluate your options.

Best wishes and wisdom on removing the crap and cobwebs!

Melissa Laine - Shine Brighter Services

Melissa Laine is a beautiful soul to say the least! I was honored and overjoyed to have the opportunity to be apart of her mission, in her own words 'To provide Happiness Choices for people to Shine at their Brightest'. Melissa, a woman of many trades, is the 'creator behind her own style of EFT called "You Me We EFT" that directs the end of each tapping session to how the client is connected to oneness. EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Techniques, which are various tools used to unblock stuck energy around emotional and physical issues. EFT is like seeing a talk therapist while using acupressure, yet self applied with guidance.'

Melissa states on her page, 'I have found that EFT has helped me tremendously to be and embrace more of my true self and follow the inner guidance of my heart. This tool is a precious GIFT that I am privileged to share with others. As healing energy work is a part of my path, you are truly helping me as I help you. I help you, you help me, this helps we, which is oneness and the definition of “You Me We EFT.'

Please check out her Facebook Page which includes links to all the information you may want regarding self-healing and happiness.

Shine Brighter Services - Facebook

Elements for Life

My Photos for Shine Brighter Service - Blue Jay Photos