I Suck at Relationships

I suck at relationships.
Not just romantic relationships but any human contact on an emotional level.
Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve had the same best friend for 6 years - at least I got one thing right! I don't know when it started, how I got this way, or whom to blame it on (other than myself).
We can go back to high school where I was an awkward misunderstood misfit who bounced to and from social groups, or the string of non-existent conversations with my parents, a distant father, sheltered social guidance, or an uneasy self-awareness. Maybe it stemmed form the emotionally abusive boyfriend or the spiral effect I placed my life in for several years. Regardless, I’ve paid for my actions by the means of lost friends, repeated therapy, self doubt, horrible communication methods, haunting dreams, etc . . . . , did I mention the therapy?
I went through a phase of childish behavior, lying to cover up other lies, reckless drama, and shellfish relationships, changing with the wind, cheating, and more pointless lying which all resulted in a crash of what I envisioned my life to be. The cheating was the beginning of the end for me. I literally had to teach myself how to not lie (even about the smallest of details). I had to learn how to act my age and minimize the drama around me. To sum up that time in my life I was a true bitch in the worst ways. As I tried for several years to maintain healthy balanced loving relationships the fact was I didn't know what that really meant or how to start that process. It was not until one day when my 'person of the month' said to me "I not only want to love someone but I need someone to love me in return." Oh Snap! Caught red-handed in the most shellfish of ways! I suck at relationships.
The revolving door of friends has been a great journey (enter sarcasm). Some I can chalk up to simple HS drama but I can honestly say I actively flushed many relationships down the drain with one finger. Lying, gossiping, lack of patience and a caring heart, a short fuse of annoyance, and resentment all had a hand. Of course, I could never communicate my frustrations or worries I just pushed the relationship away with any vice I pulled from my hat.
I'm happy to say I reconnected with a few friends who gave me a second chance. Their openness still amazes me and now I strive to live with that type of forgiveness they possess.
Despite my best efforts to turn a new leaf I still battle with conflict resolution being the bigger person. You will not find me lying or cheating but I still cling to my selfishness - I use to as my defense mechanism.
For all of you in my future path I apologize in advance for my socially awkward deliveries and hope you can read my heart instead of my ability to suck at relationships.