Base to Security

Hello and Thank You for calling Life.

Please listen to all menu options.

to waist time listening to this in a different language press 1
to get the run-around just to realize we can't help you press 2
to have a computer repeat everything you say press 3
to curse out the day to make it all go away press 4
to order extra espresso service press 5
to order extra wine service press 6
to order an extra jean size because of the dinner last night press 7
to have it rain on your moving day press 8
to change your sex-drive on or off press 9

to balance your check book to zero press 84
to create a blog instead of doing more important things press 85
to discontinue boyfriend service press 86
to escape for a weekend because you can press 87

. . .

to stop all political bickering press 256
to have your favorite television show interrupted by 'breaking news' press 257
to listen to the nightly news that has nothing to do with 'real' news press 258

. . .

to pay your co-pay by flirting with your Doctor press 490
to determine your last menstrual cycle by how many pills you have left press 491
to order more pills press 492



to end all incoming calls to your personal life press 614
to leave a nasty message for your boss press 615

. . .

for all other calls please wait for God (unknown extension)

. . .

if you would like to hear this message again please press 0.