This topic consumed my daily thoughts and even sometimes my nightly dreams. I have lived two separate lives and within the last 6 months they have slowly collided into each other. It was inevitable and gut-wrenching to watch the slowest car crash happen in my own life as i watch not doing a thing. I would lay in bed wondering why i have chosen to keep the best thing that has happened to me a secret then i would ponder if i ever really had a choice. I would cry over the thought of lying to the people who raised me then i cry over the realization that i am invertedly hurting the person i was meant to never hurt.
My mom emailed me tonight confirming that she knew about our relationship and despite her disagreement she will always love me. I'm upset with myself that i wasn't strong enough to talk first but really i just wasn't strong enough - plan and simple. I'm highly torn over how i feel. I think i should feel relieved because that's what people told me i would feel once i came out but I'm sorry to say I'm not relieved. I'm scared! I'm scared that things will change - that my relationship will change. I will be the first to admit my logic is flawed but change has hardly been a positive thing for my relationships in the past.
Just because my mom knows doesn't mean that i will talk about it with her. I doubt she wants to know anything more than she has to. It doesn't mean i am going to increase my PDA - that's just not something i do. So what is her knowing going to change? I'm still going to filter what i tell her for her own protection. I still can't share with my family our amazing connection, communication, friendship, and respect we have for one another - they won't understand. Therefore, i will still be living two separate lives. That doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel sad, stressed, and angry.
1 comment:
At the end of the day, when you sit down and take off your shoes the only thing that should really matter is how you are feeling. You were basically caught in a rip-tide these past few months. To speak or not to speak?? To hurt, or not to hurt?? No matter which way you dealt with the situation you run the risk of offending someone. I believe that at the end of the day you KNEW your Mom would always be there for you, but it's not the same if the dynamic of the relationship changed. Similarly, with the person you love you are to be yourself. Isn't that everyone's life goal?? You and I are lucky because we have found that one person, the completer to our souls. We should remember to do everything to never let them forget how important they are and drop to our knees every night and thank God for blessing us so greatly....
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