Two am

Two am this morning i woke up clinching and twitching and couldn't lay still, the way i use to when i was in my last stretch of college. I remember the nights of my senior project - i was able to fall asleep but minutes later i would get so restless i would start shaking. I had to sleep in a separate bed or on the couch because i would wake another person up. So as i sat on the couch this morning drinking water and trying to get all my shakes out i realized they were empathy shakes. Personally i had nothing to be anxious about and the day before had been a well-rounded Saturday. So my only conclusion was that i know what my life twin is going through and mentally i was well but my body embraced the empathy. Call me crazy and name it over-analyzing it but after years of sharing life events and 'being gotten'. . . you wouldn't call me crazy! So . . . even though i have nothing brillant to say and nothing i can physcially do to take the load off i can honestly say . . . Im always here for you - even at 2 am!

West on 32

I did in fact venture outdoors on Easter Sunday to take some photos (a follow-up to Screw Hallmark). I headed downtown Chico and out West on Highway 32. Took a few lefts, a few u-turns, walked into a swarm of bees, got a little sun on my face, people watched, and 4 hours later i had taken 114 photos and these are a few of my favorites!

Monks

A dose of reality, a blue bottle of wine, strangers with cigars, friends pulling up a chair, and a night of 'who am I'?

Sometimes true friends don't need to have all the answers they just need to listen to the questions.

Distance can't break true friendship but it sure does break a heart.

I miss you

Screw Hallmark

So this is a desperate attempt to pretend that I'm all about bunnies, Easter baskets, pastel colors, and Hallmark Holidays. It's no secret...I'm Not!

However, this year I am going to be brave and just say it - I miss my family and i want to go home today. There I said it! I don't want the chocolate covered-something or another, the sugar coated sweet thing, kids crying because they are dressed up and uncomfortable and doped up on sugar.

I want a hour drive to the calm coast with my parents and my brother. We will take several hours walking on the sand, have lunch at Jaspers and find the best salt-water taffy in Morro Bay. I will spend half the day looking at God's creation through the view-finder and half way during the day my mom and dad will get close enough to hold hands as they walk along the beach. My brother will stroll silently as his wheels turn about something - I'm still trying to figure that man out. We will never be in a hurry to drive back home but we all know we never came to stay. It was the simplest day of my life and the impact of Easter 07' is stronger than i think my family knows.

Today is beautiful, to say the least. I'm torn between blogging all day, taking some photos along highway 99, working on my resume, or doing some Target work at home (seriously? have you realized that is becoming a pattern in my life?) Anyways . . .

I started my day off with a cowboy smile, gourmet coffee, bagel and cream cheese, my array of pillows with my heaven of a blanket. Today shouldn't be that bad, however, it will never compare . . .

Finally . . .

Can I just say I am on the brink of a new life!

Career and Personal -

I'm just near enough to smell it -

the smell of sweet harmonious triumph!

Nae, the keys are in your hand

Addiction

Enough Said! I started my day with an agenda full of laundry washing, resume writing, annual reviews for work, kitchen cleaning, bill paying, and home decoration.

But what did i really do?

Wrote a post to cover the first 2 hours of my day, took a shower, posted a video (still wet from the shower i may add), did my hair (as if i had something to do today), checked my blog for any missed comments from a hour previous, talked to my boss's boss (did i mention it's my day off)! Responded to a few post's of fellow bloggers, fixed some lunch (which could be officially the only healthy thing i did today), Googled for a cartoon which could explain my Blog Addiction (see below), then of course i wrote to the poor unaware blogger to thank him/her for such inspiration! Still frustrated that i took time out of my 'Bamboo Wind Chime' day to talk to my boss's boss about well....I'm not ready to go there yet, I really feel i should continue being an unproductive citizen and rebel on any responsibilities that i thought i was capable of doing today and entertain any fellow readers that i may have ... or just myself.

Thank You

Of all the crap in media these days I would like to share the product of what true and great advertising should be

Bamboo Wind Chimes

As of this morning i am convinced that without life's little disappointments we would not appreciate life's little pleasures. Let me elaborate...

Yesterday morning i went out to my pride and joy Chevy to take me to work when i realized that my side doors were not closed completely, my cleaning supplies that i hold in my glove compartment were on my seat and my Bon Jovi CD case was on the floor, not to mention they added dust to my door panel (that in it's self is enough for a warrant)! After all their searching they didn't take a thing. They could have stolen my ID from my registration but more than likely they were puck kids from across the street just looking for money or an iPod. So of course i feel invaded and disappointed, annoyed and pissed that my property was touched. But today i could have slapped my self. My Property? I guess i haven't been listening to my own sermons! We own nothing in this world. We may buy items with the money we receive from hard work but really - it's all just simply dust! Understand i am still annoyed, but even if they would have broken my window or drove it out of my complex it still does not make the Chevy any more mine. I can even use the cliche that we hated as kids - 'It could have been worst!'

This morning as a slept in someone else's home i was awaken by someone else's loud music with no regard that people sleep in till 9am on their day off - i came home to realize i love my apartment after all. It could have been the simple fact that i have no roommates or inconsiderate friends but regardless i came home to enjoy my uncleaned but organized, small but functional, humdrum but welcoming home. That in it's self made my living room even more enjoyable.

I soon realized today is Wednesday, today my apartment complex serves donuts, coffee, fruit, tea, bagels, and cream cheese til noon which constitutes me not having to make breakfast! Awesome! I pass on the coffee because i remember i received my Keurig (more info on my blog) Green Mountain Blueberry coffee yesterday which some days is the only reason i get out of bed.

If it were not for the simple things in life . . .

So as i cuddled up in my reclineable loveseat with my array of pillows, heaven of a blanket, blueberry coffee, and a maple donut to blog on my day off, the one and only possible event had to happen...my Internet was not working! Seriously this is like taking crack away from a hung-over horny whore! Attempting to say 'nice' things to my computer over and over i realized that i needed to infact get my unshowered butt off the couch and restart the wireless box. Not that you are concerned about me removing my space off the couch but as i waiting impatiently for my computer to restart three times i decided to turn on the boob-tube just to encounter Tom Brokaw on the Morning Show wearing a LIVESTRONG bracelet. That one glimpse of a yellow band calmed my soul and ironically turned on my Internet. Regardless what his reason is to wear the bracelet, for me it reiterates that there are more pleasures in life than disappointments. Don't ask how i can pull that out of a small silly yellow band but if you really know me you don't have to think long and hard about that one.

Along with my disappointing yet pleasurable morning i got to have a brief ten minute conversation with my life twin, listen to my loud bamboo wind chimes dancing in the Chico wind (which could be why my neighbors give me dirty looks these days), and received an 'I'm glad you came over last night' text from a undefined man in my life. All things worth mentioning!

Seeing as this all happened before 11am today...i am anxious to see what the afternoon will bring!

Most men pursue pleasure with such

breathless haste that they hurry past it.

~Soren Kierkegaard

When I grow up I want to be a Blogger!

Tomorrow will be my first day back to work in 10 days. yeppie?! I understand we all need some good ol' fashion hard work to create a decent living, i just wish i worked at a place where i could really do what i am good at...blogging!

Nae

Nae! Look i mentioned you! I still love you!

Are you a Writer...

A good writer is one that details everyday events
but shines a new light to which a reader can walk through a little brighter!

Home?

Yesterday i got back from a mini road trip. First traveling down I5 to Coalinga, i know it may sound boring but when I have the windows rolled down rockin' out to Bon Jovi and the foothills are just starting to bloom the yellow flowers that i love and the sky is something out of a painting, i have no complaints. I joined my parents in a few deep conversations, nothing earth-shattering just small baby steps. Vada and I welcomed midnight on the couch watching A&E, i miss her so much! The next morning i drove to Fresno to see my college friends which was a long time in waiting. It was refreshing as always to remember the days of professor Vasquesz and Rawls, the slackers of FPU, and final projects that took away sleep from our lives. There was something different about these conversations, they were if i may say so, a step-up from the past. We talked about the future, careers, plans, passions, and real work. That's no to say that our conversations last year were not of substance but they were in the moment and dwelling about the project at hand, we hardly had talks about the future because we could hardly see past our next dead-line. One of the biggest rewards that i received from graduating was the mental change i went through. Things that were of absolutely no importance to me two years ago are now on my mind everyday and things that weighted me down are no longer issues at all. Somehow this all happened without my knowledge...but i wouldn't have it any other way. So as Laura, Ryan, and myself went from story to story and still never caught-up at the end of the night I found myself taken back remembering where i was, where i have been, where i am now, and most importantly where i am going. Of all the great events in my life the best window of time is remembering that I, a smart-mouth girl left lonely in the 'dale, was molded over a period of time into a woman who can accomplish anything i want and the only person who gave myself permission to do so....is/was myself.

The next morning i made my way back to Chico after a short trip to the Fresno Mall. This one hour trip reminded me why i will stay north of Sacramento. As amazing of a time that i had with my friends i would never move back to a place where you are in someone else's space as soon as you hit your sidewalk. I think i was stepped on, flipped off, brushed by, and hit on at least twice. Seriously, billions of people share this air, Fresno needs to stop thinking that the world owes them something.

So four hours later i arrive in what i may consider my new home. With what a typical Saturday night should be - dinner with a nice waitress, a few drinks at a bar where people know the words to 'The Devil went down to Georgia', and home by midnight to fall asleep with a cowboy hat on my bedpost.

It's nice to be home!

LOL

This is how i felt today . . .

Perspective

It's all about Perspective

ETIGTBAR

I'm so frustrating with today that i don't know how to start this post. I can't think of anything brilliant or charming because today is everything short of brilliant and charming.

So my best friend jumped on a plane last night and headed back to that nameless city...i think it was at that moment where things started not falling into place. This morning i woke up with every intention to live but the combination of defrosting (some know what I'm talking about), cramping, waking up with no one in my house, and normal fatigue of the past three days I've found myself extra sensitive to well....Everything.

Seeing that i had the most amazing weekend with the most amazing woman, art, wine, food, conversation, man, walk, and book everything thereafter could never compare. I will share parts of those three days later but for now i think it is more healthy for me to release this anger that today has brought.

Two phone conversations into the day Nae and I both realize things just don't seem right. The girl at Kinko's regarded our book as just another piece of paper, I don't know what to do with myself and all my bodily frustrations, her car won't start in the middle of B-field, I'm missing everyone who puts a smile on my face, someone else has cancer (this comes into play later), and did i mention she is in the boondocks and I'm eating away at my Nilla Wafers (no relation). She does however get our book copied, laminated, binded, and ready! Which is really exciting but at this point outside influences are overshadowing our proudest moment.

While she waits for a strong brave man to help her with her car battery she proceeds to tell me about cousin-someone-or-other who at the age of 23 has cervical cancer. Okay- no biggie?....NO....now Nae was delicate to call cousin-someone-or-other and tell them "Everything is Going to Be All Right" (with that tone of voice that resymbols the crazy old lady in the front row of church that looks at things with rose-colored glasses). And so my best friend, the amazing woman that she is, she proceeded to not let the rose-colored people down and have the "Everything....All Right" conversation to make them happy and move on. But as sensitive as I am today i could not let that go. How did we get to a point where the words in some passing conversation is going to change anything? All it shows is that someone else is now aware that you will be going through this ordeal and they will be thinking of you and your family. It also says 'I can't do a damn thing for you except tell you what you want to hear just so you don't think your falling apart'. After four surgery's (one of which was on my mom's birthday), ten-something procedures (the latest one being last week), twenty-something internal and external scares (I'm not talking about emotional scares), a hand-full of funerals, and falling apart myself I am beyond the phrase "Everything is Going to be All Right" (ETIGTBAR).

Politically Correct Post Cancer Diagnosis Conversation is as follows:

Doctor: You have Stage (enter 1-4) Cancer called (enter anything that ends with 'ios' or 'a')

Jane option one: Okay
Jane option two: What? Where? How? What Happens now? and how to you spell that?

Doctor: See you in (how ever busy they are) weeks for (procedure something-or-other)

Jane Goes Home! This is where her mom's aunt's cousin's brother's dad gets envovled and tries to find someone who will tell Jane ETIGTBAR because God know he doesn't know what he is talking about when it comes to Cancer. So at this point all of the above knows that part of Jane's body is 'bad' - they may even use the word 'sick'. Because you know i start snezzing everytime i get a new scar from the sun! OMG

Jane encounters Me.
Jane: I don't know what's going on! Poor me! This isn't fair! BOO WOO! (tear tear) This is where if i said ETIGTBAR she would wipe her nose with a few sniffles and give me a hug and after a few surface conversations about life we go our seperate ways.

Sorry to let you down!

Me: Oh Honey! You are going to have to Suck-it-up! If you cry like this they will never be ale to draw blood or give you an IV without pricking you several times. You are not a Victim you are just a normal person who got cancer before everyone else you know. You are not too young! You just decided to open your legs and Prince Charming gave you a virus. You are not going to die tomorrow! First you are going to have your calender full of appointments, spend days of your life in waiting rooms, repeat your health history to every new White-Coat so much so that you can repeat it in your sleep, you will develop a new sense of humor (maybe a little morbid but healthy), your new best friends will be nurses, you will become mentally overwhelmed with information - that is if you decide to learn about your Cancer before your Cancer learns about you. You will be emotionally different - you will learn to deal with some things on your own and consult with only those who know what they are talking about. You will pray different, look at your body different, tolerate people different, not take advantage of small pleasures in life, appreciate a new type of doctor and not what you were use to as a child. You will find underlying new strength after every procedure, a new tear after every check-up, and a sense of humility after every birthday. You will realize your body does not belong to you and your body owes absolutely nothing to you. You will rise above and fall below on any given day and when your best friend comes to visit you it is only then where you will realize that if any thing or any person is going to make it 'All Right'... it is you two together!

Friends, Photos, and K9's

After ranting and raving over my day of boredom i have decided to buy my best friend a plan ticket, make an appointment to get my hair done, make myself a bagel with cream cheese, open my patio door, and breath. Maybe not in the order listed. I am actually feeling pretty well today but not doing jumpin-jacks, yet! Im getting my appetite back and I am not needed my heating pad as much as yesterday. When i am laying down i am in the perfect position on my couch to see my photo on the wall in my living room. There is one especially that makes the slightest uneasiness go away - it's the b/w photo of my two dogs (see blog below). I took my camera to my parents one weekend and thought since my dog, Vada (on the Right) was so dramatic then she would be photogenic. I was Right! It's amazing the connection between K9 and human, and yes, feline for those cat lovers. So below is a video that cracks me up every time i watch it. Hope you like it!

To Shower or Not to Shower?

The debate of the morning is if i should put out the effort to take a shower. Yeah, of all the possible debates in life i am laying here contemplating if cleansing my body is worth it today. If someone could bath me - i would not decline. Actually, after they bath me i would need them to pick up some items from the store. This is why i really need a female here - how do i tell a man i need pads, and not just any pads the ones that are thinker than LightDays but thinner than diapers, and not the ones with wings but long enough to....well you know. So just a piece of advice - if you ever get your cervix frozen be prepared to feel 'wet' for over a week (doctor said one to four weeks - isn't that sexy). Several times yesterday i didn't know if i was just turned-on or if i peed my pants when i was coughing my lungs up. Of the few times i feel asleep last night i had a dream that i leaked straight through my pants - A FRECKIN' DREAM - ARE YOU SERIOUS? I can't escape it!

Okay so back to my list of things i need. Kleenex - well because i need to blow my nose - what did you expect? Moving on. I wouldn't mind a buffet of small food. I'm thinking carrots and celery with ranch, little squares of cheese, and those little tomatoes that if you don't have your lips closed when you bite into them they squirt out everywhere (doesn't that remind me of something)! Ginger-Ale is always good. Oh, Breakfast Pizza - it's a dish my moms makes which includes all your breakfast favorites layered - go figure! Did i mention i really need a shower?

I'm trying to make an appointment at my hair salon just so i have a reason to get out under this balnket and look half way decent. I could simply go out for coffee - i have a great person who I'm sure would meet up with me - but in all reality i need a female by my side more than anything. Females are the only creatures where you say the word 'cramp' and you don't have to say anymore. Females are the only creatures where describing the aftermath of your latest procedure doesn't gross them out (well at least the important females in my life). I really need my favorite females here to not pity me like a man would but give me that great all-time line 'Oh - i totally know what you mean!' If a man ever tried to finish that sentence i would shove his balls up his stomach and have him described his 'Cramps'! Sorry, I'm having a feminist day. To any of my guy friends - i still love you but because you don't have a vagina you are automatically at fault - sorry it's a proven fact. So im over the buffet thing, i realize anyone i know here does not have the time but only maybe the good intention. So now im drinking a Coffee Latte Ensure - by no means does this shake taste good but it's easy to prepare. Step 1: Shake well, serve very cold. Step 2: Refridgerate after opening.

It's Over

There is a feeling of relief once it's all over. Not sure if the feeling falls under happiness or sadness but it is noted that the anticipation is gone, the endorphins are relaxed, the answers to the questions on the table, the scar is there and cells are gone. I am so thankful that my mom came this time - i wish she was here for my first one - but how was i to know the pain of the first procedure. More than anything i would love to be home with my family cuddling up with Vada (my black lab). Then, of course, everyone would go to sleep and i would meet my best for a glass of wine and an uncensored version of health issues in our mid 20's. We would laugh so hard the scars of our latest procedure would start to cramp. After a few episodes of Law and Order because we are tired of talking we would pass out just to realize we drank too much wine than we knew. But for now i am watching CSI and unsure if I'm trying to go to sleep or trying to wake up.

Welcome to my Life

So i woke up this morning with the worst pain in my throat. My lymph nodes were so swollen it hurt to move my neck. Then i couldn't talk and i had to text a friend to make the doctor's appointment for me. Seriously! I've gone through a good length of time with out having a cold or flu (you know what normal people go through), but me i have to get a viral infection in which no antibiotics with help, right before tomorrow's procedure - like i won't be in enough pain. Welcome to my life. So as Im coughing and feeling like needles are in my throat i will have part of my body being frozen off. Im sorry is this too discriptive?

When are we moving here, Nae?

These were taken in Cayucos and Morro Bay. Some during Easter Day of 07' and some on my latest honeymoon trip near the Cayucos Pier. I've realized that no one in Chico know that these places exist - this is a problem for me! I know SF is beautiful but Cayucos and Morro Bay has it's own environment you just can't help but slow-down when you arrive.